Few conversations feel more daunting than talking to your young person about alcohol, drugs or addiction.
Whether you’ve noticed changes in their behaviour, found evidence of substance use, or simply have a growing sense that something isn’t quite right, it’s natural to feel worried. Many parents also experience fear, frustration or even guilt, wondering if they’ve missed something or how they should respond.
The truth is, there’s no perfect script. But the good news is that how you approach the conversation can make a significant difference to how your young person responds.
1 – Start by checking in with yourself
Before speaking with your young person, take a moment to reflect on your own emotions, because entering a conversation while you’re feeling emotionally overwhelmed can make it harder for your young person to engage openly.
So, while the emotions below are completely understandable, before beginning it’s worth reflecting on whether you’re feeling:
- Angry
- Frightened
- Frustrated
- Shocked
- Hurt
And, if you’re feeling any of these, one of the most valuable things you can do is regulate to yourself first. Approaching the conversation with calmness doesn’t mean ignoring the seriousness of the situation; it simply means creating the conditions for honest communication.
2 – Be curious, not confrontational
When people suspect substance use, it’s easy to jump straight into questions or accusations.
- “Why are you doing this?”
- “What were you thinking?”
- “How could you do this to us?”
Although these reactions come from a place of concern, they can cause a young person to become defensive or shut down.
Instead, try approaching the conversation with genuine curiosity. For example, you might say:
- “I’ve noticed you haven’t seemed yourself lately.”
- “I’ve noticed you’ve been spending more time on your own.”
- “I’ve noticed things have changed recently, and I wanted to check in.”
- “Can you help me understand what’s been going on?”
These open, non-judgemental observations invite conversation rather than conflict.
3 – Look beyond the substance
One of the biggest misconceptions about addiction is that it’s simply about alcohol or drugs.
More often, substance use is a way of coping with something deeper. For example a young person could be trying to navigate a variety of difficult emotions or situations, including but not limited to:
- Anxiety
- Emotional overwhelm
- Loneliness
- Academic pressure
- Low self-esteem
- Grief
- Trauma
- Difficult relationships
- A desire to fit in
Instead of focusing only on the behaviour, try asking yourself:
- “What might they be trying to cope with?”
Understanding the reason behind the behaviour is often the first step towards meaningful support.
4 – Listen more than you speak
It can be tempting to fill silences with advice or warnings. However, some of the most productive conversations happen when parents simply listen. Try to:
- Allow your young person time to think
- Avoid interrupting
- Resist the urge to immediately solve the problem
Sometimes, feeling genuinely heard is what allows a young person to open up for the first time.
5 – Avoid shame
Shame rarely motivates positive change. If a young person feels judged, criticised or labelled, they’re often less likely to be honest about what they’re experiencing in the future.
However, that doesn’t mean ignoring concerning behaviour or avoiding boundaries. Instead, it means separating the behaviour from the person. For example, instead of saying:
- “You’re making terrible choices.”
Try saying something like:
- “I’m worried because I care about you.”
This reinforces that your concern comes from love rather than punishment.
6 – Keep the conversation going
One conversation is unlikely to resolve everything and supporting a young person is an ongoing process, that can include things like:
- Regularly checking in without making every conversation about alcohol or drugs
- Spending time together
- Sharing meals
- Going for a walk
- Talking about everyday life
Maintaining your relationship helps create emotional safety, making it more likely they’ll come to you when they need support.
7 – Know when to seek additional support
If substance use is becoming more frequent, affecting school, relationships or daily life, or if you’re concerned your young person may be unable to stop, it’s important to seek guidance from an appropriate healthcare professional. And, getting support early can make a meaningful difference.
Remember, asking for help is not a sign that you’ve failed as a parent. It demonstrates your commitment to finding the right support for your family.
A conversation built on connection
Conversations about addiction are rarely easy, but they don’t have to be confrontational.
When you approach these discussions with calmness, curiosity and compassion, they create opportunities for honesty, understanding and connection.
