Few conversations feel more daunting than talking to your young person about alcohol, drugs or addiction.
Whether you’ve noticed changes in their behaviour, found evidence of substance use, or simply have a growing sense that something isn’t quite right, it’s natural to feel worried. Many parents also experience fear, frustration or even guilt, wondering if they’ve missed something or how they should respond.
The truth is, there is no perfect script.
However, how you approach the conversation can make a significant difference to how your young person responds.
Start by checking in with yourself
Before speaking with your young person, take a moment to reflect on your own emotions.
Are you feeling:
- Angry?
- Frightened?
- Frustrated?
- Shocked?
- Hurt?
These feelings are completely understandable, but entering a conversation while emotionally overwhelmed can make it harder for your young person to engage openly.
One of the most valuable things parents can do is regulate themselves first. Approaching the conversation with calmness doesn’t mean ignoring the seriousness of the situation, it means creating the conditions for honest communication.
Be curious, not confrontational
When parents suspect substance use, it’s easy to jump straight into questions or accusations.
“Why are you doing this?”
“What were you thinking?”
“How could you do this to us?”
Although these reactions come from a place of concern, they can cause a young person to become defensive or shut down.
Instead, try approaching the conversation with genuine curiosity.
You might say:
- “I’ve noticed you haven’t seemed yourself lately.”
- “I’ve noticed you’ve been spending more time on your own.”
- “I’ve noticed things have changed recently, and I wanted to check in.”
- “Can you help me understand what’s been going on?”
These open, non-judgemental observations invite conversation rather than conflict.
Look beyond the substance
One of the biggest misconceptions about addiction is that it’s simply about alcohol or drugs.
More often, substance use is a way of coping with something deeper.
A young person may be trying to manage:
- Anxiety
- Emotional overwhelm
- Loneliness
- Academic pressure
- Low self-esteem
- Grief
- Trauma
- Difficult relationships
- A desire to fit in
Instead of focusing only on the behaviour, try asking yourself:
“What might my young person be trying to cope with?”
Understanding the reason behind the behaviour is often the first step towards meaningful support.
Listen more than you speak
It can be tempting to fill silences with advice or warnings.
However, some of the most productive conversations happen when parents simply listen.
Allow your young person time to think.
Avoid interrupting.
Resist the urge to immediately solve the problem.
Sometimes, feeling genuinely heard is what allows a young person to open up for the first time.
Avoid shame
Shame rarely motivates positive change.
If a young person feels judged, criticised or labelled, they’re often less likely to be honest about what they’re experiencing in the future.
That doesn’t mean ignoring concerning behaviour or avoiding boundaries.
It means separating the behaviour from the person.
Instead of saying:
“You’re making terrible choices.”
Try:
“I’m worried because I care about you.”
This reinforces that your concern comes from love rather than punishment.
Keep the conversation going
One conversation is unlikely to resolve everything.
Supporting a young person is an ongoing process.
Continue checking in regularly without making every conversation about alcohol or drugs.
Spend time together.
Share meals.
Go for a walk.
Talk about everyday life.
Maintaining your relationship helps create emotional safety, making it more likely they’ll come to you when they need support.
Know when to seek additional support
If substance use is becoming more frequent, affecting school, relationships or daily life, or if you’re concerned your young person may be unable to stop, it’s important to seek guidance from an appropriate healthcare professional.
Early support can make a meaningful difference.
Remember, asking for help is not a sign that you’ve failed as a parent. It demonstrates your commitment to finding the right support for your family.
A conversation built on connection
Conversations about addiction are rarely easy, but they don’t have to be confrontational.
When parents approach these discussions with calmness, curiosity and compassion, they create opportunities for honesty, understanding and connection.
